Why Guns n’ Roses’ Chinese Democracy album is the Phantom Menace of Rock

With the long Thanksgiving weekend ahead, FCT is going waaaay off topic; enjoy your Turkey Day and Black Friday, and we’ll see you here on Cyber Monday with more juicy, fan film goodness.

Remember when you were a kid and they had those lists of the eerie coincidences between Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy? You know, the lists like “Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy; Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln” and so on? Well, it’s a different day and age now, but some things never change. In honor of a certain notable event that took place this past Sunday, here’s why Chinese Democracy is the Phantom Menace of Rock.

• Chinese Democracy is the fourth original Guns n’ Roses album.
• The Phantom Menace was the fourth Star Wars movie.

• Chinese Democracy has 16 letters in its title.
• The Phantom Menace has 16 letters in its title.

• Chinese Democracy is being released amidst hype and the impossibly high expectations of a fanbase that has waited half its life for the album to come out.
• The Phantom Menace was released amidst hype and the impossibly high expectations of a fanbase that had waited half its life for the movie to come out.

• Chinese Democracy is the first album in a trilogy.
• The Phantom Menace was the first movie in a trilogy.

• Chinese Democracy features singer Axl Rose making strange noises.
• The Phantom Menace featured the future Darth Vader shrieking “Yippee.”

• Fans were able to get a free Dr. Pepper when Chinese Democracy came out.
• Fans needed a doctor after they’d endured The Phantom Menace.

• Axl Rose, often described as a megalomaniac, spent 17 years crafting the songs on Chinese Democracy.
• George Lucas, often described as a megalomaniac, spent 17 minutes crafting the script to The Phantom Menace.

• Rose was a farm boy who grew up to become a respected but feared rockstar at the height of Hair Metal.
• The Phantom Menace tells the story of a farm boy who grew up to become a respected but feared Sith at the height of the Empire.

• Over the years, Rose fired everyone who disagreed with his decisions, including major creative partner, guitarist Slash.
• Over the years, Lucas fired everyone who disagreed with his decisions, including major creative partner, producer Gary Kurtz.

• Rose replaced Slash with a guitarist who wears a bucket of KFC on his head.
• Lucas replaced Kurtz with Rick McCallum.

• GnR is haunted by The Spaghetti Incident, a universally panned special EP that featured a song written by a serial killer.
• Lucas is haunted by The Star Wars Holiday Special, a universally panned TV special that made fans want to kill a family of wookies.

• GnR is truly only Axl Rose these days–and “GnR Axl W. Rose” is 11 letters.
• “George Lucas” is 11 letters.
• And so is “Jar Jar Binks.”

Add your own “eerie coincidences” in the comments section below!

All jokes aside, I may be only a casual GnR fan who likes the same few songs that everyone else knows, but I’m rooting for Axl to pull this one off. It took me years to get over my indie rock badself and realize that they had some good songs with really unique structures; there’s artistry at hand in “Welcome to the Jungle,” for instance. It’s hard to characterize someone who was able to spend a reported $13 million on an album as an “underdog,” but between the economy, the state of the music business, the MIA original bandmembers and the wait between albums, the odds are against him, so I’m hoping Axl hits this one over the wall.